Nepali Colleges Now Accepting Healthy Lungs And Livers In Fees; Smokers And Drinkers In Distress
(Note: This is a parody news article. Please do not extract your lungs and kidneys to pay your college bills....yet)
After a wave of protest, colleges around the nation have finally come up with financial relief package for covid impacted students. Nepali colleges will now be accepting lungs, livers and kidneys in college fees, provided that the organs are healthy.
The arrangement comes as a great relief to students whose households have been hit hard by the pandemic induced econimic austerity. Take Topper Tapaswi, for instance, who was ecstatic to hear the offer. Having abstained from drinking and smoking all her life, Tapaswi is optimistic that her healthy organs will fetch her hefty discounts.
“My friends have always poked fun at me for refusing to drink and being a party pooper at gatherings. But seems like everything happens for a reason, right?”
Tapaswi further adds that she is determined to make sure her younger brother doesn’t smoke or drink either so that one day him too, like his elder sister, can trade his vital organs for a college degree.
Backbencher Binod, on the other hand, wasn't too happy with the arrangement. Binod initially picked up smoking to look cool and later got addicted and couldn't quit. He said he was feeling distressed and had already smoked a pack of Artic Burst to release the tension.
“I am probably not going to get good discount since I am a chain-smoker. My lungs are blacker than….,” his voice trailed off. The interview with Binod was cut short as he started chasing after Sameer, yelling:
“Eeetua kidney dey na, please. Aamaa kasam firta dinchu…”
The college authorities, meanwhile, are contented with the “revolutionary approach to fees payment.” When asked why the college resorted to such radical means instead of providing discount, Dhanbahadur Khadka, MD of the college appeared annoyed and answered:
“How am I going to maintain my 2 bungalows and 3 cars if the students keep demanding discount?”
Then, the MD went on to explain that the experimental idea was born out of collaboration with Anga Prasad Ghimire, a prominent figure in Nepal’s booming organ’s black market. Having 20 years of experience in illegal organ harvesting, the college is confident that his expertise and networks will make the partnership a fruitful affair.
Ghimire has also expressed his excitement at the opportunity of harvesting the organs of young students.
“Quite frankly, I was getting bored dealing in deteriorating organs of middle-aged men. But now, the prospect of harvesting fresh, adolescent organ is making me feel young again. I feel like I have the heart of a young kid, both metaphorically and literally.”
Finally, former PM KP Oli, too, has expressed his approval at the arrangement. He says this new offer will enable him to get 2 Master’s degree and 3 Bachelor’s degree thanks to all the kidneys he’s been hoarding all these years.